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Submitted on
February 15


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“I'm only waiting for death to come.” That’s what my grandmother said to me after she turned 90 last summer. It broke my heart and I said to myself: “I'm never going to start another fight with her again.” Then I began to look back on my life and I wondered why our relationship never was any closer. Ever since I've been a teenager I’m taking friendly fire from her. That's how I feel. She didn't like my friends, she didn't like my haircut, she didn't like what I was wearing, she didn’t like my music, she didn’t like my skateboard. For all my life I have been holding a shield on my left arm so she cannot hurt me with her words. The bullets hitting the metal have been a constant noise of my life. But I couldn't conform to her values. She hated homosexuals and she was against anyone who didn't believe in her god. I sacrificed our relationship in order to become a decent human being. At least that’s what I thought. But of course that is exactly what she does not like about me: indecency. And now it's too late and I only feel sad because I feel like it has been too late right from the beginning. Is not taking her serious the only way I'm able to have a relationship with her? Are we both just to stubborn? Can I reach out to her as long as she's still alive?
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uNNatuRaLtm Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014
I have a relationship with my family that is half of me. The 'decent' half.
HonionB Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sounds like your grandmother is the problem and not you, to let yourself be manipulated by her indecent mindset and way of living would do nothing in the end.
stormelemental13 Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014
I'd say it's definitely worth a shot. My grandmother died this last summer and I had that chance to help out near the end. It was a good, doesn't seem like right word but I can't think of a better one, experience. You probably won't change her and she probably won't change you, but that doesn't mean you can't take her seriously. 

There seem to be quite a few people here advocating staying away. I politely, but vehemently, disagree. She's your family and you don't have much time left with her, so do something with it.
jack102248 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2014
I have to agree with stormelemental13. Mostly , I think, because I cant imagine not having been close to my grandmother. Even when she and all the rest of us knew that death was close she never shut anyone out .  Maybe saying that was her way of reaching out to you. My difficulties were always with my dad. Its difficult for me to talk about him at all. I have no idea how he was as a young  man but he came home from France in 1945 mean and brutal as a person could be. Grandmother was the most gentle and loving soul I have ever known.  Like I say maybe that was her way of reaching out to you, as clumsy as it may seem.
stormelemental13 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2014
Grey8Wolf Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Professional Photographer
Well, the fact is that it's not because people are related that they must have a close relationship in life. 
Being a sort of "black sheep" in the family when I was younger made me see that, if I followed orders from others , I would never be myself. Age, my friend, is not a sign of wisdom , also age does not mean that you will have to accept what someone says. 
Therefore, I did what I wanted. Against my father's will, I had long hair, played in Rock bands, worked with drawing and painting, and I do not regret a single decision I have made. I don't have a close relationship with my father or brothers. But I have close friends, and had many beautiful girlfriends over the years. 
If your grand,other does not like the way you are, simply stay away from her. And more : there is no such an "indecency" thing. Sex is life. Without sex, humanity would not exist . People make sex all the time. Sex is natural. People love to see other people . If some people don't, well, then they have something wrong ...
Vandaalis Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
I know this was written a while ago, but there is a chance you might read this. The situation you are facing is very common. A lot more common than you might think. We evolve so fast, people can't keep up with it. I could write 3000 words in great detail why is this happening, but as the solution goes. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help her or change any of her imaginary values. The world and the detrimental value system she is used to is long gone. Good and even better it is not coming back. Your elder has given up on themselves, you cannot communicate or help one that does not. As you clearly stated she wants to die. Deep personal unhappiness, that is coming from a trauma is the cause, she is not willing to let that go. She sees that all the fun and happiness she had to sacrifice, the end result is useless. She wants to pass on the pain to you and has been since day one. That is the greatest failure of a parent/elder. The main goal from them is not to pass on the pain of their past. The greatest failure a parent/elder can commit. It is understandable, but not excusable. What you can do - Find others that face the same position (includes me) and probably many commenters below. The interwebs is a wonderful thing :D also ask these people what they are doing. Focus on yourself, you have to forger one who has forgotten themselves, my gran did the same thing. She was not offensive quite the opposite, but her end was much the same. She was never happy, never did nothing, never went anywhere. She did her best I got to say that, you are in a worse spot. In the bigger picture it doesn't change much as there are so many more things that were wrong. Being a good person is a start, but constantly unknowingly hurting yourself and for no reason living in great deprivation. This again is common for people who survive war. Understandable, but none of your fault or responsibility. You did not hurt her, but she is acting like you did. Move on that is all there is left, the faster, further the better for both of you. I had a chance to hear my gran only once in her life. The real her, but that was triggered by a occurrence outside my control. More like a random event and I happened to be close and tap in to it. You can try something similar I cannot guarantee it helps, but hey. What happened in my experience was, my gran got to meet an other old lady. Who was a good friend of hers. Since her youth. Both of them sortof revived the old world they lived in. This brought comfort and the guard and fake persona was dropped. They were in a room with door open and nobody else in it, thus the rest of us (it was xmas family meet) could perfectly hear them and they could hear us if they wanted. My guess is this provided more comfort for them knowing others where near, but they were left at their own devices. The conversation was pure historical gold. Even the way they spoke (I am Latvian) was the old way of language (there is an old variant that is very Shexpirian and poetic). That is the one time it happened, give it a try if you can recreate and event like this, wonders can happen. Don't expect nothing. Other than that move on asap. Best of luck, you have survived this far you must be doing something right. 
weeks5 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
it's never to late
speedmanz Featured By Owner May 30, 2014
Grief, regret and mourning are for the living. The dead, no matter what anyone believes, can fall into 3 general areas or one exceptional area. They either have a better understanding of the world they came from. They are completely disconnected from this world and have no memory of it as they move onto the next existence. They could be nothing, no existence, an empty void of nothing, meaning this life is all there is (which, even tho I am not religious I do not believe). Now for the exception: We are not there yet. None of us truly know and that is why I dislike religions.

Religions and spiritual beliefs through the ages guilt and shame the living into feeling a certain way or else. This was brought on by desperation of the ruling classes as they were losing control of the peasants. We are more than this. Do not succumb to the societal pressures that have been engrained in your psyche since birth. One can only do their part to have a healthy relationship with another. It is up to the other person to return or reject it. It is not your fault nor responsibility for how someone acts, reacts or views you. Keep your head up be strong for yourself and the people that actually reciprocate the type of life you try to give others.
woodsman123452001 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
You have a lot of support here, but only you know you.  You can protect who you are and still listen to a voice that may soon be gone.  Regret comes when you feel you have not done all you can but this doesn't mean you have to do so at the cost of losing yourself.  So listen to your grandmother but understand that you are there just to listen -- her voice will be silent soon enough, but you will still be here.  Best of luck.  
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